Saturday, October 22, 2016

The Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Bike Doofus

In no particular order..

10. Have Expensive Bike, Never Ride It.

 I can't say I have ever seen too many of these guys cause they are never on the trails. They are out there though. Usually on a Specialiased S Works of some variety. Will always see the ads on Pinkbike or Kijiji with the caption "hardly ridden." When I see these ads I always ponder... Why did you buy it?

9. Acting Like It's Race Day On Sunday.

On a nice weekend or even weeknight the trails can be a bit crowded you get the guy ripping through the trails like it's the Olympics mens final. Which is fine. Just slow the hell down when you approach other riders or worse... Families. I love going fast (insert laugh track laughter now) but am still aware of other users on the trails. These are the same guys who don't yield on the trail to people climbing or encounters on tight singletrack.

8. On Group Rides You Ride For Strava.

Maybe your friend bought a Corvette the night before and your wife won't let you get truck nuts for your minivan so you feel a bit unmanly. When you meet the boys or club for your group ride don't take the frustration out on everybody by pacing yourself and suddenly springing into action just to catch that Strava KOM and laving everyone behind. Not cool. It's a group ride. keep it as such.

7. No Bell.

This one speaks for itself. Get a bell tough guy. Nothing more annoying than riding without one, this is coming from a long time bell dinger myself. I see the non bell dingers trying to get through the masses and scoff to myself. Get a bell. Don't be that guy or gal. You only ruin all the riders image when you roll dingless. Takes one to paint the whole group gray.

6. GoPro Camera Rider.

Not really a doofus inducing trait. Just makes you look like one. I understand the need for capturing the ride as it is Holy, it just makes you look a bit special. Every mountain biker I know has one (including myself). They used it one or two rides and then put it away. For me it was trying to answer the dog walking ladies questions on what the hell that thing is on my head on my first Go Pro ride. Since, I put it away,

5. Full Face Helmet, Knee Pads, Arm Pads for XC Rides.

This one goes in line with wearing a Go Pro. When wearing a full face helmet and padding a Go Pro is the last accessory that completes the doofus looking ensemble. Wearing all this is fine in my books it's just when you see these guys you are always looking for the chairlift. There is no need for all this equipment in Edmonton which sadly does make the wearer look like a giant doofus as they are riding in Mill Creek Ravine.

4. Rides Fat Bikes All Year Long And Brags About It.

We see them all summer, the guys who refuse to put away their fat bikes. Which is cool, never really cared. It's the ones who ride them and brag about it who are the doofuses. With quotes from online "my fatbike is way faster than my full suspension was!" commonly seen online. It makes one wonder just what they are comparing it too? There is nothing like a light nimble Summer bike. Don't get me wrong, fat bikes are fun as hell.So if you want to ride it all year long, giver. Just don't brag to everyone how awesome it is non stop. This also applies to vegans, 29er riders, 650B riders, and not gonna give up on riding a 26 chump.

3. Puts Down Other Riders Bikes/ Equipment on Group Rides.

Never encountered this but am sure it happens because humans are just shitty. People may show up with worn out old bikes or equipment. So what? They are out riding. They are awesome.

2. Continuously Brags About Riding Accomplishments.

These guys exist in every circle. Sadly the bike world has them too. Douchy jock guys who brag consistently about hills they climbed and trails they rode.

1. Blogs About Bike Riding,

See number 2. This one is pretty self explanatory. Guys who ride and have to post it on the internet... I mean really.

Toe Dabbing in the Fort SK

 A rather poor attempt at ruling the roost today in Fort Saskatchewan as I was off my game and misjudging rooty climbs followed by immediate...